Not too long ago, the New York Rangers were a team full of high-priced superstars that lacked cohesion and a work ethic and continually missed the playoffs. Ah, those were the days.

Thanks in large part to Mark Messier's ego and need to play 18-minute a night when he was clearly outmatched, the Rangers never did collectively perform to the level of each individual player's ability added up. Lesser squads did far more with less talent, while the Rangers simply tried to fix problems by throwing more money in the fire.

After the lockout, the Rangers seemed to 'get it'. They let some of their young kids, such as Tyutin, Prucha, and Ortmeyer, get some key ice time. The Rangers used their money to sign 'smart' free agents, such as Marek Malik, and Brendan Shanahan, to fairly cheap deals. We saw the Rangers actually *gasp* make the playoffs and look like a pretty competitive team.

Then, the salary cap was raised, and suddenly the Rangers reverted back to form. We saw the Rangers sign some expensive contracts, some of the awful variety. Clearly, Glen Sather, free of some financial restraints, did not learn from his past mistakes.

Aaron Ward - $5.5mil over 2 seasons
Matt Cullen - $11.2mil for 4 seasons, and then they send him back to the Canes.
Scott Gomez - $51.5mil over 7 seasons.
Chris Drury - $35.25mil over 5 seasons.

The Rangers figured they could steal some karma from the Canes after the magical Raleigh run. While signing Ward wasn't a horrible deal, signing a 3-year line forward, as Cullen was, to that sort of deal with just nutso.

Figuring they ought to get some prime talent, instead, the Rangers spent a lot of money on a hard-to-coach playmaking centerman and a dearly overrated 2nd-line pivot, instead of re-signing Michael Nylander, a player who clearly meshed with the hard-to-please Jaromir Jagr.

The entire result of this has been a drought of African proportions. After last night's 1-0 loss to the Penguins, a team that has troubles stopping goals, the Rangers now find themselves having gone 2 games without a goal, and struggling with just 13 goals for in 8 games, by far the worst such totals in the league.

Yes, the Rangers can't even get 2 goals a game, despite having more talent, up front, than many other teams.

Let's assess the damage
Jaromir Jagr: 8GP 1-7-8
Chris Drury: 8GP 1-5-6
Scott Gomez: 8GP 2-1-3 (just 1 assist?)
Martin Straka: 7GP 2-1-3
Brendan Shanahan: 8GP 1-1-2 (WTF?)
Petr Prucha: 8GP 1-0-1

So, despite the fact that evil Swede Henrik Lundqvist is doing a great job in the nets (92.7SV%), the Rangers are 2-5-1 and generate just 21 shots on goal per game.

If I had to theorize as to what is wrong with the Rangers, it appears that they have a lot of finesse and little grit on their scoring lines. Clearly, there are a lot of egos to be stroked and few are willing to pay the physical price to get 'er done.

One weird stat that pops out is that Shanahan has 50 shots on goal in his 8 games, so he's clearly getting his chances. Of all of the players that should bounce back, he ought to be the one.

Labels: Brendan Shanahan, Glen Sather, Jaromir Jagr, Messier, Petr Prucha, Rangers, rants

by Jes

Mark Messier was known as quite a player during his days here in Vancouver, and I'm not talking about what little he did on the ice. Messier was definitely a home here in Hollywood North, where he could spend precious exercise time chatting up actresses and filming chip commercials.

It's nice to know that the penis-headed fraud is getting the recognition he deserves by making it into the Hall of Fame.

From the Sports Hernia:

The former Oilers, Canucks and Rangers pussy-splitting forward has led an almost mythical journey through the bone zone, banging the likes of Madonna, a young Tyra Banks and supermodel Frederique, all while maintaining his mind-boggling run of 6,037 straight days in the zone as well. Visibly humbled by the overwhelming induction ceremony into the BZHOF, which recognizes the greatest ass antennas on Earth, Messier could barely get the words out.

"You know, growing up a small town boy in Alberta, Canada, never in a million years did I imagine I would be drowning in exotic supermodel ass" said the tractor-beam pants wearing Messier, "But now, years later, standing behind this bronzed penis microphone, I truly feel at peace with myself, with everything. Man, I've plowed some Grade A poon," he said, shaking his head and pausing for a moment. "Man."

Mark Messier: Truly a leader of men.

(Thanks to Wayne for the assist)

Labels: Hall of Fame, Messier, off-ice silliness

by Jes

Today's random, assorted thoughts.

** Ingmar W. Bergman, Evil Swedish Blogger, scored an interview with an unnamed Swedish NHLer over at his site.

If you are trying to find out who Player X is, let's narrow it down...

Player X
a. is far too cool to be one of the Canucks' Swedes (Naslund and Sedinbots)
b. is not Pavol Demitra
c. is not too tall in stature (The toilet seat reference in Part III)
d. is a huge movie buff (especially James Bond)
e. is likely between the ages of 26-31 (given the TV pop-cult references)
f. lacks a social life and has hours to spend IMing Ingmar
g. is a veteran of the labour process and knows the 'game' well enough.
h. snores like a chainsaw
i. hates Wrestling, but knows enough about the catchphrases to be 'in'.
j. likes the overrated TV show, "Heroes".
k. Music: likes heavy metal. Metallica, Linkin Park, Korn etc.
l. very interested in the Penguins blogs (hmmm...)

Now, get to work!

** Didya know that Shanny is into Trannys?

Well, thanks to Canucks and Beyond and Page Six, you do now!!

LINDSAY Lohan continued her New York party over the weekend. On Saturday night, she and her pals, deejay Samantha Ronson and p.r. powerhouse Lisette Sand-Freeman, hit the Beatrice Inn before going to The Box at 1 a.m. - where Lohan got up on the stage and sang while doing a “stripper dance” to thunderous applause. She got off easy - after her, New York Ranger Brendan Shanahan was blindfolded and ball-gagged as trannies danced around him.

I guess Ms. Craig Janney isn't the thrill ride she used to be.

** Roy over at Wild Puck Banter (aka, the Marian Gaborik House of Worship)had a list of his 5 least favourite Canucks of all time.

In case you are wondering (I know you are), here is my list.

1. Mark Messier - This bald-headed egomaniac certainly had an impact on the Canucks after coming over from the Rangers. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a very bad one, as he was paid $6mil a year to float, destroy the team from within, and not make the playoffs. Messier proved what a fraud he is and was more interested in hanging with Hollywood North celebrities than playing hockey.

2. Todd Bertuzzi - A man-child with loads of talent and absolutely no motivation, Bertuzzi single-handedly destroyed the playoff hopes of the Canucks in his final two seasons here. Paid no attention to defence, rarely gave an honest effort, and was more trouble than he was worth.

He may have given some money and time to charity, but rarely gave you a reason to like him and pull for him. I'd defend him more if he wasn't such a lazy, prickly guy.

3. Jarkko Ruutu - This 'pest' did little but take loads of bad penalties and skate around with that shit-eating grin of his. I actually enjoyed it when he got his ass punched around. Jarkko provides no real benefit to a club, and the Canucks are much better off without him.

4. Felix Potvin/Dan Cloutier (tie) - Two of the worst goalies in Canucks history. I don’t dislike them personally, but I was certainly very happy when both of them were booted out of here. They were overrated from the start and I knew they would always be bad. Potvin never did learn that staying back way in your net is not a good thing. If Cloutier was our enforcer, I'd probably love the guy.

5. Alex "Mood Ring" Mogilny - Loads of skill and talent, but little personality. From his actions and words, I always got the feeling he never really liked hockey, and was obviously playing simply for the paycheque.

** Hockeysfuture.com has released it's Spring 2007 Top 50 List.
Here is how the teams fare in the Top 50.
'

Not great news for Atlanta, Tampa, Carolina, Colorado, and Dallas. Boston, St. Louis, Chi-Town, and LA fit in very nicely.

Of course, as M-E Vlasic, Paul Stastny, and Patrice Bergeron will tell you, prospecting is hardly an exact science.

Labels: Bertuzzi, Canucks, Hockeysfuture, Ingmar is Evil, Messier, Mogilny, ramblings, Shanahan

A couple oldies-but-goodies for y'all.

---

Sean Avery and Mark Messier decide to go ice-fishing together. They drive out to a nice patch of ice and bring all their ice fishing tools. They find a good spot and begin to cut into the ice. Suddenly, a voice rings out of nowhere:

"There are no fish under the ice..."

Startled, the two look around and see nobody. They pick up their stuff and move to another part of the ice. The voice rings out again:

"There are NO fish under the ice..."

They move again and start cutting again. The voice announces:

"There are NO FISH under the ice!"

Avery looks up and says, "Is that you God?" And the voice replies:

"No, this is the announcer for GM Place. Now get the hell off of the ice!"

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A Hockey Joke That Only A Canadian Would Appreciate ...

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in the park in Toronto when one is attacked by a rabid Pit Bull.

Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.

"Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said

"I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,"Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."

.... of course, if you are a French Canadian you might not appreciate it so much!!!

Labels: Avery, hockey jokes, Messier

As if Mark Messier's ego wasn't massive enough as it is, along comes another stroking.

From TSN.ca:

The Edmonton Oilers plan to do more next month than just raise Mark Messier's No. 11 to the rafters of Rexall Place.

The NHL team and the city are planning two days of festivities to honour their favourite son.

Get ready for Moosapalooza.

"The (pre-game) ceremonies can get long and arduous as they were with Stevie Y (Steve Yzerman)" Oiler president Patrick LaForge told reporters Wednesday. Yzerman's No. 19 jersey was retired Jan. 2 in a 90-minute ceremony prior to the Detroit Red Wings' game against the Anaheim Ducks.

"There was no opportunity for fans there to reach out to Stevie, and we want to do that here and we want to do it with Mark.

"He's a native son and an Edmonton boy and he wants this."

The man known affectionately as Moose will have his number retired in a ceremony prior to the Oilers' game against the Phoenix Coyotes on Feb. 27.

The day before, thousands of fans are expected to jam the city's downtown Churchill Square to pay tribute to him.

That night, Messier and others including ex-Oilers Kevin Lowe, Glenn Anderson and Paul Coffey will swap stories on stage at the city's Winspear Centre concert hall in a $350-a-ticket charity fundraiser.

Long and arduous? Don't they recall Mark Messier's 9-hour suckfest with the Rangers? If there is anyone who has never reached out to fans, it's Mark Messier. Try getting an autograph from Mark Messier. You're more likely to win the Super 7 jackpot.

Why does this dick-headed fraud continue to get the Royal Treatment? Are Oilers fans actually dumb enough to pay $350 for this crap?

Fans jamming a downtown square? Where's a firebomb when you need one? If any of the Oilers bloggers actually attend this, I'm going to smack them around more than a few hundred times.

Seriously, this has to be a joke. Right?

Then again, the guy had a thing for black midgets.

Labels: ceremony, Messier, oilers