Thursday, January 04, 2007


Phil Kessel's Got Ball!

When I first heard the news about Phil Kessel and his testicular cancer, I got the same squeamish feeling that most guys probably got.

Pain + Groin Region = Major discomfort. Even talking about it or hearing about it causes me to shudder.

I mean, can a guy really read about how royal bodyguards in ancient China had to have their balls smashed with rocks so that they wouldn't go and play chase-the-snake with the princess without going 'oooooooohhhhhhhhh, man!' ?

You'd figure cancer would set a guy back for a long time, especially when it deals with such a sensitive area.

Low and behold, Kessel is already back practicing with his team.

Story Link:

Bruins rookie forward Phil Kessel returned to practice Wednesday only a few weeks after undergoing testicular cancer surgery.

Kessel participated in team workouts but avoided contact drills and said afterward he was feeling good about his progress. There is no set return date for Kessel, and he is expected to play Thursday night against the Toronto Maple Leafs.

"I think I can [play], but it's whatever's best for the team," Kessel told AP on Wednesday.

Kessel had the operation on Dec. 11 and had been skating with team trainers for at least a week. He does not require radiation treatment but will make routine visits with his doctors for physical exams and blood tests.

"I missed it, because I love to play hockey," he told AP. "I watched some of the games, but it's hard to watch when you want to be out there playing but you can't."
A month? It took only a month?

Was his cancer small? Are treatments that good? Was this a cover-up for a STD he got screwing around with Boston bunnies?

I would have never expected him to be back playing full-contact hockey in just a month. That's some speedy recoverin'

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Kessel was fortunate in that he caught his cancer early, when there was time to really do something about it. Early detection = much better chance of swift treatment and recovery.
I'm probably paraphrasing the immortal Tom Green here, but:

"Touch your balls, feel your balls, so you won't get cancer..."
Octopus wishes to clarify the method of castration used in China:

Just outside the Forbidden City gate, but within the Imperial City, was a run-down budding where several "knifers," - who were recognized by the government as qualified to perform castrations, though they received no government salary, plied their trade. Theirs was a hereditary, family profession. They collected six taels for each surgery and nursing the eunuch through the initial stage of recovery.

When the surgery was about to take place, the candidate was placed on a low bed in a semi-reclining position, and asked once more if he would ever regret being castrated. If the answer was no, one man clasped him about the waist while two others separated his legs and held them firmly down to prevent any movement. Tight bandages were wound around the thighs and lower abdomen, the patient was given a bowl of nerve-stunning" herbal tea, and his private parts were desensitized with baths of hot pepper water. Both penis and testicles were then swiftly cut off with a small curved knife as closely as possible to the body. A metal plug was immediately inserted into the urethra, and the entire wound covered with water-soaked paper and carefully bandaged. Immediately thereafter, the eunuch was made to walk about the room for two or three hours supported on each side by the "knifers" before he was allowed to lie down. He was not allowed to drink any liquid for three days, during which time lie suffered great agony from thirst and extreme pain, and was unable to urinate. At the end of three days, the bandages were removed, the inserted plug pulled out, and hopefully the sufferer was able to obtain relief with a copious flow of urine, at which time he was congratulated and considered out of danger. If the surgery rendered the eunuch unable to urinate, the passages having grown closed, he was doomed to an agonizing death.
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