Thursday, December 21, 2006

 

Greg and Gőlbez's Gift Giveaway!

"So this is Christmas, and your 3k in debt.
Another year over. Who's the next Penthouse Pet?"


Greg and Gőlbez, two of Santa's busiest middle managers (We're the ones who get to tazer the unproductive elves and goblins in Santa's sweatshop), were put in charge of distrubuting gifts to those in and around the NHL sphere.

We're made our lists and checked them twice.
We definitely prefer naughty over nice.

Now, let's dole out some goodies to some (un)deserving folks. I'm sure Garth Snow is enjoying the GM job we gave him last Christmas. Damn bastard didn't even send a Thank You card!

Markus Naslund - Courage
Todd Bertuzzi - A Heart
Sean Avery - A Brain
Jeff O'Neill - Lyposuction
Rod Brind'Amour - Rhinoplasty
Alain Vigneault - a Pavel Bure highlight video
Jaroslav Balastik - the Lonely Planet Guide to Sweden
Pavol Demitra - A calendar year without a major injury
Marian Gaborik - An indestructable groin.
Sidney Crosby - The respect and adulation you richly deserve
Alexander Ovechkin - An hour of passing lessons from Wayne Gretzky
Ladislav Nagy - A coach that doesn't bench your talented ass and give more ice time to stiffs like Dave Scatchard
Gilbert Brule - More ice time for you as well
George Parros - A starring role in Briana Banks' next feature.
NHL Referees - Free eye exams
Gary Bettman - Counselling for your arithmomania
Rory Fitzpatrick - An All-Star Game starting job
Wings, Oilers, and Sabres fans - A year's supply of tissues.
Winnipeg - The Pittsburgh Penguins
St. Louis Blues -- a Grant Fuhr comeback
Tomas Kloucek - a promotion
Yannick Tremblay - a demotion
Alexandre Burrows - A goal that counts
Trevor Linden - A nice retirement home on Vancouver Island
Dan Cloutier - some ability to stop a puck
Anson Carter - A haircut
Jan Bulis - A toupee
David Pratt - a heart attack
Bob MacKenzie - some balls. Make a damn decisive proclamation once in a while.
Dominik Hasek - Crest WhiteStrips
Miikka Kiprusoff - Emotions
Jonathan Cheechoo - Somebody who will pass you the damn puck!
Brendan Shanahan - A map to your own end of the ice. You seem to forget where it is these days
Chris Pronger - An apology from Oilers fans and mediots.
NHL voice media - A copy of the Slavic Surname Pronunciation Guide.

We're also including bloggers on our list this year. These fine folks work hard all year and deserve some rewards.

Eric McErlain (OffWing), Michael (Hockey Fanatic), JP (Japers Rink) - A copy of The Rookie: A Season with Sidney Crosby and the New NHL
Acid Queen - Frostmourne
Side Arm Delivery - Peter Cetera's Greatest Hits
Odd Man Rush - An original NES complete with 2 controllers and Blades of Steel
DLee (RedAndBlack) - A chili dog with extra processed cheese.
Alanah (CanucksandBeyond) - A new set of golf clubs
American Hockey Fan - A real Czech beer
Earl Sleek - A free session of AA
Tom Benjamin - A smile. Try it sometime ;)
Ingmar W. Bergman - A nice tall glass of Lakka
James Mirtle - Tony Gallagher's job (please!)
Tapeleg - A pet duck. You can teach it the 'trap'
Vaic Fan and Pletka Fan - A second chance for their beloved heroes.
Zanstorm (Waiting for Stanley) - I don't seem to see Jiri Slegr under your Canucks legends section. No gift for you!
Roy (Wild Puck Banter) - A lunch date with Jock Lemaire
Stormbringer - a KISS Karaoke set
Paul Kukla - A reunion with his 'son'
David (The Ice Block) -
a copy of ' His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama – JOURNEY FOR PEACE'
The Dinner Jackets bloggers - A real NHL defenseman.
mc79hockey - A robe and wizard's hat.
Mike Chen - A special version of the famed Dave Chappelle/Wayne Brady skit, only with Wayne Gretzky instead.
"Ninja" - A Montreal Canadiens #35 Tomas Plekanec sweater.
Scarlett Ice - Wade Redden *SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*
Chris DeGroat (Checking Line) - a Denis Savard tape-on moustache.
CasonBlog - A copy of Bill Clinton's 'My Life'
Matt (On the Wings) - any Madonna CD you like
Christy (Behind the Jersey) - A new tear-free ACL.
Chris McMurtry (Hockey Country) - A copy of the Slavic Surname Pronunciation Guide.
Greg Cartman (Puck Stops Here) - A JOE SAKIC BLVD street sign, courtesy the City of Burnaby.
Lyle "Spector" Richardson - A Racing Dandelion

If you weren't included on the list, then you better start sucking up more and maybe you'll get luckier the next time around.

Comments:
I am sure that some of these are inside jokes, but they are hilarious anyway!
I certainly enjoyed the crack about the George PArros starting role in Ms. Banks' next fim.
Priceless.
Have a great holiday season!
Tyler
 
Um. Thanks. I think.

Strange song, but the lead singer IS very pleasing on the eyes. Yow!
 
FROSTMOURNE?!?

I don't know whether to laugh or--wait a minute, I can duel-wield that thing with Thunderfury....

Thanks, Santa Golbez!
 
Pratt getting a heart attack is all I needed to hear.
 
Earl Sleek - A free session of AA

Gawd, you had to bring this up the day after the Dallas game? My head hurts enough already!

Thanks, guys. Happy gift day to you also.
 
Hmmmmmm...which song to christen the karaoke set with..."Rock and Roll All Nite, "Detroit Rock City", "I Was Made For Lovin' You", or "I Love It Loud"?

Decisions, decisions... ;P
 
I got just what I wanted!
 
I think Marian Gaborik's Indestructible Groin should be the title of George Parros and Briana Banks's collaboration. Hot!
 
Good luck actually finding that Peter Cetera album around Christmas-time. I've heard that it's sold out everywhere.
 
Haha. Thanks for including me in the list and yes, a new tear-free ACL would be wonderful. Hopefully my new one from May will last awhile! :)

Both lists were entertaining reads!
 
I find it hard to believe Brushback doesn't already have the Peter Cetera album.

Dammit, Jes, I forgot to get you anything. Peter Forsberg bobblehead? Copy of this?
 
Good luck actually finding that Peter Cetera album around Christmas-time. I've heard that it's sold out everywhere
Santa never has trouble acquiring gifts. Don't you fret

Greg, my heart has already been ripped in half, stomped on, and spit at. Don't be so mean :(

I think Marian Gaborik's Indestructible Groin should be the title of George Parros and Briana Banks's collaboration

This is a photoshop picture waiting to happen (hint hint)

I got just what I wanted!
posted by James Mirtle

You are still off of my Xmas card list for jilting Balastik!
 
I don't get it.

I won that hot dog in a bet. That's not a "gift".

I've been hinting at what I really want for x-mas, and Alanah has already come through -- a personalized 'Nucks sweater. ;)
 
Slegr is a legend in his own mind (and yours too obviously) SCREW YOU SANTA!!! HOPE YOU TRIP AND FALL INTO RUDOLPH'S DUNG!
 
You can't offer free men to women and not extend the offer to other women! This santa sure is a hardass.

Avery shall never get that brain - it's Santa, not Jesus.
 
Re: the Chapelle skit

I can hear it now: "Is Wayne Gretzky gonna have to choke a bitch? Eh?"

The Bod can't get rhinoplasty until he retires. He just can't. And really, what would be the point?
 
Is Pratt related to somebody?
 
Why, Jes, why? What did I do to deserve that?

She's not even technically from Detroit.....
 
Thanks, guys. I've got your back. Er, backs. I guess.
 
Can I exchange my Wade Redden for a playoff spot? Please? Can it be a 2-for-1 deal of some sort?

Also, I'm not a Squeer. When have I ever squeed?!

Merry Christmas :P
 
She was raised in a Catholic family in the Detroit suburbs of Pontiac and Avon Township (now Rochester Hills).

Close enough, eh!

Santa's gifts are not exchangable, Sherry, but you can always regift them I suppose.
 
Just who is getting coal in their stockings for Christmas? Will it be Mrs. Pronger?

Thanks for the gift, guys. I got you both the same thing I got you last year.

Seriously though. Vecele Vianoce, Joyeux Noel, and Merry Christmas.
 
Seriously... you have no idea how much I would like the Joe Sakic BLVD sign.
 
Merry Christmas Jes. I'll be enjoying the glass of Lakka because It's owned by us Swedes. Yes, we produce and poison the Finns by owning the brand Lakka.

Oh how swede it is to be Evil.

Go Balastik!
 
That picture would go perfect next to my 2-foot Gretzky MacFarlane figure (Kings version). Happy Festivus!
 
Start sucking up, eh!

O.K. I'll start now, you can have the Crosby jersey posted at my site and a new regular reader!

Maybe next year! Meanwhile I'll look up the words "belated" and "oversight".
 
I was all set to be peeved at the implication that the CBJ could use a real NHL defenseman.

Then, I realized that it would be kind of nice. Imagine how much better they could be not giving up twenty thousand odd-man rushes per game.

Oh well, at least Bryan Berard is back soon. (that's a joke...)
 
The Hasek, Kiprusoff, and Avery ones had me rolling! =D
 
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