Friday, September 29, 2006


Terrible Ted is Back on the Attack!

Another new season means the return of Terrible Ted Montgomery to spew his 'wisdom' on USAToday as their hockey 'expert'.

Because I love to torture, myself, I decided to read his online chat with idiots dumb enough to ask him questions. Now, I'll make you suffer as well.

fairfield, ca: hey ted- will mark bell be the answer in san jose? could he be the big winger that can take them to the cup? cliff

Ted Montgomery: He won't be enough to take them to the Cup, but he adds a dimension to the San Jose offense that will be a part of the overall puzzle
What dimension would that be, Ted?
Speed? They got that.
Size? They got that.
Goal scoring? They got that
Playmaking? They got that
Experience? Bell don't got that.

Pittsburgh, PA: Ted, It's great to see the coolest game on Earth back in session soon...can't wait. I'd like to get your thoughts on the trapezoid rule behind the net. After watching last season, I really don't think it's needed. Goalies should be free to use their puck handling abilities and I think there would be more than enough scoring chances without it. Thanks, Jim

Ted Montgomery: Jim, I agree with you

Wow, don't get too verbose on us!

Noam N. Kogen, New York, NY: How will the New Jersey Devils do in the regular season and how far can or will they go in the playoffs this season?
Ted Montgomery: I learned long ago never to count out the Devils. Watch for Parise to have a fine year, and with Gomez, Elias, Gionta and Brodeur, what's not to like?

What's not to like? How about the fact that the Devils are in serious salary cap trouble. How about the fact that they are no longer a deep team, especially offensively. How about the fact that Brodeur is overpaid and overrated? Yeah, what's not to like...

Wichita Falls, Texas: Will the Dallas Stars make it to the Finals this year? They definitely have the talent....
Ted Montgomery: I doubt it. They have a rapidly aging team

Hmm, so while the rest of the NHL ages at a normal 1:1 ratio, the Dallas Stars are afflicted with a virus that causes them to age at 1.3x the speed of normal humans. I guess that's what you get when you sell your soul for a Stanley Cup, eh?

Chicago, IL: Do the Black Hawks have any shot or do they need a change of ownership to jump start this team?
Ted Montgomery: The Blackhawks have absolutely no chance to do any real damage this year, except to their long-suffering fans. I've written often about the ownership issues in Chicago, and they still exist.
Well, even Ted gets the easy ones right.

Salem, CT: Welcome back Ted! I was wondering what you thought of the Bruins this year. I'm not expecting miracles this year but I think the team has a chance for making the playoffs, or am I way off?

Ted Montgomery: I don't know. The Bruins are like a wobble wagon with one bad wheel. If that comes off, the whole thing falls apart. I like Chara, obviously, but I worry about their goaltending ... a lot

Well, up until the last comment, Ted was making sense. Why so nervous about their goaltending? Toivonen and Thomas have great pedigrees and are obvious 100x better than Andrew Raycroft was. You ought to be worried about their lack of offence up front.

Pittsburgh PA: How high can Nashville go this year? Are they going to follow in the footsteps of Tampa and Carolina and win a Cup in a "nontraditional" market? How many of these cities have to win it all before fans top suggesting that the NHL contract teams in the south?

Ted Montgomery: They'll probably win the Central Division, and maybe a round or two in the playoffs, but they just don't have enough depth and experience yet to go all the way.

Yeah, and somehow the Canes managed to win with a roster of 'experienced' guys like Eric Staal, Cam Ward, Justin Williams, Martin Gerber. What experience do Jason Arnott, Paul Kariya, and Steve Sullivan have? Apparently, not much...

Columbus, OH: Will the addition of Carter, Modin and Brule give the Blue Jackets a shot at the playoffs?

Ted Montgomery: I think the Jackets do have a shot at the playoffs, but only if they can avoid that old bugaboo, injuries. It'll take some luck, but any team with Rick Nash is going to get its share of wins

Yes, and any team that has Luke Richardson as it's #1 defenseman will get their share of wins....just a very small share, that's all!

Luke Richardson? He's taking up space down in Tampa now. Adam Foote is the old slow guy anchoring the BJ's defense -- still quite an upgrade.

Of course, they had Tomáš Klouček but sent him down... morons.
Crap, gsdgsd13 beat me to the punch. And some might argue that Richardson was never the #1 defenseman in Columbus, that would've been Jaroslav Spacek (cue canned laugh track).
We have Luke Richardson again? That's news to me!

(Yes, I got beat by both gsdgsd and Drew, but what the Hell.)
You G's totally missed my point. I know Luke and his father are in Tbay, but I was merely making the point that any NHL team with XXX crappy defenseman can win it's SHARE of games. It doesn't mean it will win very many...but 1/80 is still a share.
I dont know if Thomas has a pedigree, but he is a gamer.

San Jose can use Bell to throw his body around, especially after teams took unanswered shots at Cheechoo and Michalek in the playoffs.

Carter and Bell will help adress that, and Brown should help an attrocious faceoff percentage. The question for the Sharks is D.
I just love this comment, but I'm surprised that it came from someone as far north as pittsburgh....Pittsburgh PA: How high can Nashville go this year? Are they going to follow in the footsteps of Tampa and Carolina and win a Cup in a "nontraditional" market? How many of these cities have to win it all before fans top suggesting that the NHL contract teams in the south?
The real point in contraction is that in these southern towns hockey is just another entertainment option that the great Bettman markets, packages, and sells like Twinkies at a 7/11. Fact is few true hockey fans care about these southern teams, a quick google search shows that from last year of the 6 teams with the highest road attendance the one with the southernmost latitude was Detroit. And the 6 teams with the worst road attendance were Atlanta, Washington, Florida, Columbus, Nashville, and Tampa Bay. The only reason why we had to endure the strike, was so the accountants could make a finicial correction for Bettman's overexpansion. A few year's after the novelty of a new sport coming to town wears off, most of the non-traditional market towns have a hard time selling their product.
Nice completely unrelated comment, Ladislav. But since you brought it up, isn't it worth considering the relative strength of clubs when comparing road attendance? Who wouldn't want to see Detroit, or any other team that has a great record? I would wager that the better clubs see above average road attendance, while the bottom feeders of the league (most of those you listed with TB and Nashville as exceptions) do not have the same draw. It's not because "[nobody] cares about the southern hockey teams." It's because these teams suck. If I have a choice between spending my $30 to see the Wings/Senators play my Blue Jackets compared to the Thrashers or Panthers, you can bet where my hard earned money is going. Money follows the winners when they're away from home. Perhaps a better indicator of how well hockey is selling in non-traditional markets is to actually examine how hockey sells in non-traditional markets and not somewhere else???
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