It’s been over 4 months since the last blog carnival, as it was on hiatus due to a lack of corporate sponsorship. It’s always about the money, ain’t it!
While James Mirtle thinks that there is nothing but nothingness out in the hockey world, we here at Hockey Rants have a positive attitude about things…and a great supply of BC Bud.

Thanks to the fine folks at Molvanian Ministry of Tourism, the carnival is back on the attack!

Molvania?

Yeah, it's a small, land-locked republic in eastern Europe, famous as the birthplace of whooping cough. Molvania also produces 83% of the world's beetroot. I also have relatives who live there.

So, onto my love rocket climb!

The Media…can’t live without ‘em…can’t shoot ‘em in the frickin’ head, either!

Paul Kukla sold out to the man and got a sweet gig with the NHL, which is all part of the plan of bloggers to infiltrate the NHL, take over the media, and then install me as the new commissioner.

“I is your new dictator!”

Eric @ OffWingOpinion has been busy trying to organize an official set of rules and conduct for bloggers to follow in the event that any of us are lucky enough to get press credentials to an NHL arena. Of course, John Fontana takes all the credit for getting the ball rolling :)

David @ The Ice Block pretty much sums up many of the DOs and DONTs, but I’ll add in a little bit.

1. Don’t ask for autographs! Most bloggers are simply professional fans, and I know the temptation is there to ask Pavol Demitra for an autograph. Be a professional, not a fanboy.
2. Don’t take chances with cellphone cameras. If a beefy security guard sees you whipping out your thang, the changes are good that you’ll have your ass scraped with the concrete outside of the arena when you get tossed like a salad.

On another media slant, old crank Tom Benjamin is at it again, and doesn’t think bloggers will have any real impact.

The NHL will never embrace the blogosphere in my opinion, but even if they did, it does not address the significant part of the problem. The issue is attracting new fans (or bringing lost ones back) and blogs can't accomplish that. Bloggers do have a role but we preach to the choir, the already converted. People who are not hockey fans might acquire an interest if the NY Times provides good coverage, but they will never seek out a hockey blog or a hockey message board.

I don’t entirely agree with Tom (shocking, we know) in that blogs can’t attract new fans or a level of interest. The internet is famous for Viral Marketing, and we know how fast things can travel through word-of-mouth. Blogs and forums are part of a large network that can generate interest and perhaps even cause non-hockey fans to stop and take a look.

If I started posting semi-nekked pictures of Peter Forsberg and Jaromir Jagr, you can be sure that more than a few women (and men) would take notice, including a few that aren’t even hockey fans. Any publicity is good publicity, and bloggers can deliver the type of message that the mainstream media can’t or won’t.





”Fresh and Hot! We’ll show you what we got!”

Jeremy Roenick was also whining about the lack of exposure hockey gets in the US press and how his poor Coyotes don’t get any airtime. Japers’ Rink slices Roenick a new one and gives the Coyotes some more exposure. How’d ya like them apples!?

Oh, you want some more? Well, the folks at Orland Kurtenblog rip apart what’s left of JR’s carcass and ground the bones into dust. How did I not discover this blog until just recently?

And when the samba played
The sun would set so high
Ring through my ears and sting my eyes
Your Spanish lullaby

The new season also means a new batch of hockey video games. Isabella @ Stick in Rick, which has a new home, is excited about the NHL07 for the (booooo!) Xbox.

Hey, Bill, stick with what you do best: Making buggy software that continually crashes and needs updates every two days.

Me? I’m more of an old school kind of guy. I loved the EA series until it jumped the shark and just got too cartoony. Me and my friends love to pick up Blades of Steel once in awhile and growl with frustration as our goalie’s are forced to stop 20 shots in a row while the defense mopes around like headless chickens. “A little help, here?!”

Earl Sleek James O'Brien over at the Battle of California has been reminiscing about the best hockey video games of yonder, since he’s also an old school. In fact, he’s so old, he remembers when hockey players were paid regular working wages.

5…4….3…1…OFF-BLAST!

Which game is #1? Here’s a hint…

The gameplay is classic and is in every way the spiritual answer to why we all love hockey. It's fast, fun, quirky and violent. Sure, it might have been a little too easy to score wraparound goals and the occasional "trick" goal. But when you're playing against your friend, it's not really cheap, is it?

Not only is this game the gold standard for sports video games, but it's also part of the greatest video game scene in movie history as well. If you love hockey and Vince Vaughn, you owe it to yourself to see "Swingers." Let's just say, even my Kings bias cannot get in the way of laughing hysterically at what happens to "Super Fan #99."

Need to get ready for the season? VCOE and their loyal readers list the must-do’s as you prepare to watch the Blues miss the playoffs for a second straight year.

One must-do is to sign up for a fantasy league or six. Michael the Hockey Fantatic has set up a Yahoo! League for us bloggers. I look forward to not kicking your asses again this year. David Lee is also looking to start up his own league. The winner gets a hot dog with cheese.

Shot in the dark… STAR STAR!
…little girl…
That’s what you are!

No, I’ve not been drinking like Alanah at VCOE does for breakfast, morning tea, lunch, dinner, and blog posting. Ask Stormbringer to mix you something if you wanna forget the years of pain that your hockey team(s) have caused you. As a Canucks/Blues fan, I’ve had more than my fair share of pain. *sniff* :(

David Frost was recently arrested for ‘sexual misconduct’. If you recall, he was the d00d Mike Danton was arranging to assassinate and the d00d who had a cult-like following among his few clients. Is it any wonder WHY Danton would have wanted Frost out of his life? It’s icky… The Acid Queen has a much more detailed take on the situation.

Speaking of dark news, Jed Ortmeyer, one of the hardest working guys in the NHL, will be sidelined for a very long time with a blood clot in his lung.
The Blueshirt Bulletin was inspired enough to create an award after him:

When the story broke of Jed’s illness, I posted a thought that we could to chip in for some sort of recognition that we could present to him to express how we feel about him and to in any way possible inspire him in a way that he has inspired us

Given how fickle New York sports fan can be, it says a lot that Ortmeyer has earned a spot in the hearts of Rangers fan so quickly. The only other player that I can think of who did the same thing for the Rangers was Adam Graves.

Speaking of Ranger$, Hockey Rodent, the guy who shines Petr Prucha’s shoes by licking them lovingly, has a translated interview of Jaromir Jagr. Jagr, love him or hate him, is always a great interview. He’s like the Czech version of Jeremy Roenick, only with more Stanley Cup rings.

“Count the rings, biatch!”

I know Anson “Tarantula Head” Carter’s season was partially inflated by playing with the SedinBots, but how has he not signed a contract yet? It’s a bit boggling that a slug like JP Dumont can find a suitor and Carter can’t. JJ at Canucks Hockey Blog has a closer look.

Odd Man Rush is back from a long hiatus (Welcome back!) and analyses the free agents that are left on the market.

”The sonic sky is bright like fire!”

Speaking of players who can’t get signed, the folks at Waiting for Stanley have found the whereabouts of Tie Domi.




What they didn’t tell you is that Domi is actually pocketing the cash himself.
And it’s an ABSOLUTE FRICKIN’ TRAVESTY that Lubomir Vaic has been blackballed from the NHL. I mean, d00ds a stud! Look at him nailing Madonna like a coffin.




Yeah, and somehow WADE BELAK can swindle a GM into signing his talentless ass.
The Minnesota Wild…I still hate em, but it’s harder to do so when they got The Pavol!
Fortunately, Roy @ Wild Puck Banter knows a good thing when he sees it and gives some love to Pavs. The question is “Does Lemaire know a good thing when he sees it?”. Now that he has some actual offensive talent, is he going to utilize it? Well, he had talent in New Jersey…zzzzz….

”There are…FOUR lights!!!!!11111oneone!!”

Looking for some hockey sabermetrics? Cartman over at The Puck Stops Here has been on fire this summer with a whole whack of analysis. I’m not sure what bug bit him in the ass, but it inspired him to take the ball and run out of the stadium with it ala Forrest Gump.

He’s not the only one… mc79hockey crunches the numbers on Eric Brewer and wonders why the hell d00d got so little Power Play on a team that sucked more eggs than a bodybuilder. I’ve always been torn on Eric Brewer. I’ve expected big things from him, and they’ve never materialized, but I also realize that he has almost NO offensive potential. He’s never put up big points in the NHL and doesn’t look like he has the ability to do so. Brewer is a guy with skill who is primarily good at defense. He can handle guys big and small, short and tall, on the ice or in a mall… Meanwhile, Hockey Analysis looks to see if experience win Stanley Cups.

“Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the U.S.S. Enterprise”
“Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the U.S.S. Enterprise”
”Make it so!”

For a team with a boatload of success over the past decade+, Red Wings fans sure are whiny. Geez… hang out with a Blues fan and learn some humility.
The Wings are also retiring Steve Yzerman’s #19, as superfan Christy points out. How long has Yzerman been retired? A month or two? What took the Red Wings so long? Obviously, they are a 2-bit organization, run by a guy who made his millions selling pizza that tastes like ass. Why hasn’t Ray Sheppard’s # been retired? *growl*

Speaking of teams I hate that have players I love, how about the Columbus Dinner Jackets? Balastik-Brule…oh…it’s too bad Zherdev and MacLean can’t just get along and get a contract done. Without Zherdev, the BJs miss the playoffs. Well, they’d miss the playoffs with him anyway. (ahem). The Army of Ohio, one of the few who can recognize the greatness of Balastik, has a nice post about a meeting with Pascal Leclaire.

Covered in Oil asks “Let me ask you this: what would you rather fight, a gorilla or a bear? Justify your selection!”

I’ll take the gorilla, kthx. The Gorilla don’t got them sharp teeth, eh? You can take a big stick and just beat the stupid thing in the head like those big Japanse drums. Bears? They have secret martial arts skills. If you try beating a bear with a stick, they’ll grab it from you and use it as a toothpick after they eat you like a wonton.

Remember when the NHL went through that first experiment with “3rd’ uniforms that looked like something that might come out of your ass after a trip to McDonalds? *shudder*. Well, I’m willing to wager that is was evil Swede Ingmar “W” Bergman that designed those damn things. Looking at his new NorthWest team designs, it’s obvious that he pops back crack rocks like candy. Oh, and his taste in music sucks! I’m not talking to him until I get my Repo Men sweater in the mail. Hmph!

Speaking of muzak, Mike Chen has a look at post-goal music and how the NHL can distance itself from child molester Gary Glitter’s “Rock and Roll Part 2.” Oh, his taste in music sucks, too.

If there is anyone who actually like the “Woohoo” song, I have a new Canadian Tire snow shovel that I’d like to break in by beating you over the head with. Y’hear?

“Touch me! Touch me!
I want to feel your body...
Your heartbeat next to mine (this is the night)”

The Sabres are closing in on the cap and still have to sign Ryan Miller, as the Sabre Rattlers note. A single tear rolls down my check. No, RLY.

Ever wanted to go to all 30 NHL arenas? Well, these folks did, and ranked all 30 so you can compare and contrast. I just wish they were more detailed.

Now, we stop for a brief advertisement from the folks at Reebok. Check out Sidney Crosby’s new ad spot. You don’t see Alexander Ovechkin making these ads. Why? Because, he sucks!

(Ok, not really…Alex has some charisma and it’s a shame that he hasn’t been picked up in ad campaigns either.)

On the topic of the Penguins, The Pittsburgh Penguins Report has a look at how Evgeni Malkin is doing in his first on-ice practices after his escape from the clutches of Mother Russia.

And now, to finish off, our sponsors from Molvania present to you the fine music of Zlad!

Zladko Vladcik, the pride of Molvania, was to perform his very popular techno-ballad, “Elektronik – Supersonik” - described as “a melodic fusion combining hot disco rhythms with cold war rhetoric”, at the 2004 Eurovision Song Contest.

However, the 23-year-old singer was arrested at Istanbul’s Ataturk International Airport and immediately deported. While Eurovision does not normally test for recreational drugs, unfortunately for Vladcik, Turkish Customs do.

On his return, “Zlad” apologised to everyone in Molvania for letting them down, especially his family, his friends and his dealer.