Wednesday, August 02, 2006


The Truth Behind Chris Pronger's Departure

Thanks to my incredible inside sources from St. Louis, I have uncovered the strongest rumours yet as to why Chipmunk Pronger's wife demanded that her husband be traded. Consider these rumours a strong "G-Force 7"

Before game one of this year's Stanley Cup finals, Lauren Pronger found herself without a ticket to one of the biggest games of her husband's life. Not wanting to break her husband's concentration by bothering him with a ticket request, she burst into tears on the way out of the Oilers practice facility. Her breakdown was noticed by Oilers backup goaltender Ty Conklin, who tried to cheer her up by saying he had always liked the SUV she drove. Lauren told Ty the whole story and they came up with a plan. Lauren would dress up in Conklin's helmet and pads, as there was practically no chance he would play that night with starting goaltender Dwayne Roloson en route to an MVP performance. She would watch the game undetected from the bench, and in exchange, would give him her SUV. After agreeing to the deal, Lauren threw her car keys to Conklin, who mishandled and dropped them.

All went as planned until late in the final period, when the unthinkable happened. Roloson suffered a series-ending knee injury in a collision, and was replaced by Lauren Pronger in Conklin's uniform. With 32 seconds to go in regulation, Lauren misplayed the puck, and Rod Brind'Amour easily jammed it in for the win. Embarrassed by not only the fact that she had cost her husband and the Oilers the game, but also that anyone as ugly as Brind'Amour had ever actually scored with her, Lauren demanded her husband be traded. As a postscript, Ty Conklin was so embarrassed that he asked to go somewhere where "he would never be seen again."
He settled for the Columbus Blue Jackets.


Lauren demanded her husband be traded to America after the following email was intercepted by a Federal Fraud Investigator in Canada:

Edmonton, Alberta
FAX NO: xxx x xxxxxxx



I hope this letter will not embarrass you since we have not had any previous communication. My name is Lauren Pronger and I am the wife of the NHL superstar Chris Pronger. I got your reference from your country's trade department under private enquiry that is not related to my aim of writing you this letter and went further to have it confirmed by the Canadian Exports Promotion Council (CEPC).

We as holders of official positions in various player's wives committees, discovered some contracts that were grossly over-invoiced, either by omission or commission. Also we discovered that the sum of $65,560,000.00 (Sixty-Five Million, Five Hundred and Sixty Thousand United States Dollars Only) was lying in a suspense account, although the American contractors were fully paid their entitlements after executing the said contracts. We all agreed that the over-invoiced amount be transferred (for our own use) into a bank account provided by a foreign partner, as the code of conduct of the Federal Civil Service does not allow us to operate foreign accounts.

We are therefore seeking your assistance based on the balance amount of US$45.560M, which can be speedily processed and fully remitted into your nominated bank account. On successful remittance of the fund into your account, you will be compensated with 25% of the amount for assistance and services and 5% set aside for expenses contingency.

This transaction is closely knitted and in view of our SENSITIVE POSITION we cannot afford a slip, I assure you that this transaction is 100% risk free. I am at your disposition to entertain any question(s) from you in respect of this transaction, so contact me immediately through the above private e-mail addresses and fax number. Please note that the DEAL needs utmost confidentiality and your immediate response will be highly appreciated and we will use our own share of the money to establish a lucrative business in your country.

Please you should contact me immediately with your private fax and telephone numbers where further details in respect to this transaction would be sent. Please you can also contact me on yahoo at XXXXX.

Yours truly,

Obviously, she had to skip town.

She's a spoiled rich chick married to a professional athlete and would rather be living in California, where it's sunny and nice, than Edmonton, where it's cold and shitty.

Actually, you know what citizens of Edmonton?
Forget that that last one, that's WAY too far fetched


(Credit to Ritch the American Hockey Fan, whom originally posted this story)

All could be worse.

Ending up in Montreal and having a rookie journalist pronounce your name as Chris Pron-SHAY

my god, #1 is brilliant.

I especially appreciate how you worked in Rod Brind'amour's ugliness.

Good job!
uhm...This post looks familiar.
I didn't see the original post until after I posted, as I was given the information through my super special email that only my best sources have ;)
So, I added the link. Forgive me, oh great Satan.
Satan comments on my blog sometimes, too.
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