Thursday, March 23, 2006


If I were an NHL player, I'd be...

To intercept a drop-pass from Vancouver Canucks OpEd, I thought about which NHL player's career that I'd want to have, if I could pick one and have one.

Although the easy answer is to say 'any' player's career (playing hockey for money, why be picky?), I'd want the pick of the litter.

Why would I want to have the career of Chris Kunitz? Struggling to find a position in a lineup and being waived and shuffled around doesn't seem like that much fun. Eric Cairns? I'd rather not have to be smacked around by Zdeno Chara. Mats Sundin? Why would I want the immense pressure of Leafs Nation, much less the curse of looking like a troll.

Pavol Demitra? Well, the bald look wouldn't ever go well with me, and I'd like not to be injured every five minutes.

Thinking long and hard for about 2 minutes, I'd want to have the career of the goalie I hate the most: Martin Brodeur.

"Brodeur? That must mean you really like him! HA HA!"

Why Martin? Easy. Who wouldn't want to be the man with the golden horseshoe up his ass? Sure, I'd need to buy a lot of Vaseline, but it'd be worth it. I would love to be an above-average goaltender who has had everything go right for him.

1. The Money - Martin gets paid $5.237 million per season at the moment, and was getting over $6mil before the lockout. I'm not all that materialistic, but I would love to make enough money to really retire at 35.

2. Achievement - Martin has had the great fortune on being in the right place at the right time for his entire career. Team Canada gold, a Vezina, and 3 Stanley Cups with the New Jersey Devils. Yeah, I'd hit it. Before his career is over, Brodeur should have the gold standard for career victories, even as the Devils decline from their dynasty years.

3. Health - Apart from taking a Stephane Richer slapshot to the balls in a pre-game warmup (which shattered his cup and gave him quite a nasty bruise), Martin has had very little happen to him in his career. Martin can play 75 games a year and look none the worse for wear.

4. Looks - Hockey players are pretty nasty creatures, but Martin is a fairly decent looking guy. He appears to have all of his natural teeth, and I'm sure the French-Canadian women swarm him when he cruises the Montreal nightclubs.

5. Fame - Apart from the realists who know Brodeur isn't as good as his superficial numbers (Wins) and know he has never deserved a Vezina Trophy, most mediots and fans go googoo over Brodeur. Brodeur is going to the Hall of Fame, and he doesn't need to buy a ticket. Hockey has been berry berry good to Martin.

6. New Jersey? I'm sure there are nice places in that state for the rich folks to live. If it was so bad, he would have fled the first chance he had. NJ is close to New York and Philly, so there are always good places to travel to in a short distance. During the season, there is rarely any long travel as most games are within a short flight or train ride distance.

Being a very private individual myself, I'd probably appreciate the anonymity I could have in New Jersey. If Brodeur played in Vancouver, he'd have to deal with the insane negativity of the fanbase, and couldn't go out and buy groceries without being asked 1,000 times to pose for pictures, sign autographs, and spare some change.

What? You thought I'd pick Sidney Crosby? Have you seen his teeth?


3 Stanley Cups
Olympic silver, bronze
Hart Trophy
2 Selkes
6-time All-Star
Presumably nailed Anna Kournikouva repeatedly

Sergei Fedorov's looking like a pretty strong answer.
Yeah, but I sure as hell wouldn't want to be Russian ;)
Oh, and not to pick a nit, but while you're pretending not to be hatin' on Brodeur you forgot one of his Stanley Cups. :)
what about don cherry? how else can one crappy game lead to sooo much love
"Don!!! Don!! Quick, there's too many players with B's on their sweaters on the ice!!!!"
For pretty nasty creatures, they sure date and/or marry a lot of HOT women. :p
Brodeur = Greatest Goaltender EVER.

[Be sure to pronounce that period, too]
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