Monday, December 19, 2005


Golbez's Gifts to NHL Clubs

I know I ragged on USA TODAY'S Ted Montgomery before, but now it's time to give him a few props for a few chuckles in his Gifts to each NHL Club.

And since ripping off somebody is the kindest form of flattery, Santa Golbez is back and it's time to give some gifts of my own to the various teams.

Atlanta - How about a new groin for goaltender Kari Lehtonen? Without it, his NHL stardom is in real jeopardy. Defence lessons for Marc Savard and Ilya Kovalchuk might be included as stocking stuffers.

Anaheim: For the OLD Brian Burke to make an appearance and stop overpaying for any player with the surname NIEDERMAYER.

Boston: New ownership? Bruins fans don't have it as bad as they might think, it's just that Bostonians are natural whiners (Especially Red Sox fans). They don't seem to want anything else, so we'll give them a new owner. ("Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome George Steinbrenner!" )

Calgary: A team barber. Does anyone other than Jerome Iginla know how to get a decent haircut?

Carolina: A clock that never strikes midnight.

Chicago: Ted's got the right idea "Eighty-two 'Hawks games on TV in Chicago and the suburbs, like in a lot of NHL cities. Note to the Wirtzes: No one is going to decide not to go to the game because it's on TV, and you're likely to earn a few new fans by putting your product in millions of homes."

Colorado: The return of David Aebischer's confidence.

Columbus: You already got Gilbert Brule and Jaroslav Balastik? What more do you want? I'd give you new management, but you don't deserve it :)

Dallas: What do you give to that relative you really hate? How about a Chia Pet?

Detroit: What do you get the team that has had everything for years? Nothing, that's what!

Edmonton: From Ted "A refund on the money they gave to Michael Peca." ;)

Florida: The sudden death of Mike Keenan and some defensive help for poor Roberto Luongo.

Los Angeles: Hmm, Ted suggests "A nickname for the Pavol Demitra-Craig Conroy-Alexander Frolov line. How about "We Three Kings?". I could go for that, and a muzzle for Sean Avery.

Montreal: The French don't believe in Santa Golbez, so "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"

Minnesota: How about a good playmaking centerman to help Marian Gaborik?

Nashville: Some playoff success and some fan support. This club has built 'the right way' and deserves to be rewarded...although those mustardy uniforms are a sin against fashion.

New Jersey: How about we do a double-gift and give the Devils to a more deserving Winnipeg?

New York Islanders: For Mike Milbury to trade himself to the Flyers.

New York Rangers: For Mark Messier to stay far, far away from the team for as long as possible...and how about some PR for Petr Prucha?

Ottawa: How about a smack in the head for Martin Havlat?

Philadelphia: Losses. Lots and lots of losses.

Phoenix: An apology to Wayne Gretzky. You whine a lot, but you aren't as bad as a coach (so far) as I'd thought you'd be.

Pittsburgh: For the aliens to return the real Sergei Gonchar back to earth, and a new, working heart for Mario Lemieux. Oh, and some more press for Sidney Crosby. The kid never gets any attention.

San Jose: per Ted "A great big thank you note addressed to the Boston Bruins."

St. Louis: Umm, everything?? Ted suggests "A scrapbook of the last 26 years, filled with lots of highlights from 26 consecutive playoff appearances. They'll have plenty of time to look it over this spring." ...and next spring, and the spring after that.

Tampa Bay: Some Grecian Formula for Dave Andreychuk. Dude's hair is whiter than fresh snow.

Toronto: 300 bottles of Johnson & Johnson's "No Tears" shampoo to wash away those tears from all that whining.

Vancouver: Ted suggests "A season-long supply of handkerchiefs so Canucks fans can wipe the sweat from their brow every time an opposing player shoots the puck on net from center ice." Well, since Cloutier is gone, we no longer have such worries. We could use a good defensive defenseman and a backup who doesn't suck.

Washington: Some help for Alexander Ovechkin and more "Bottled Youth" for Olaf Kolzig.

Havlat's already out for the season. That's not enough?
Has Montgomery watched a Canucks game since 2002?

Or ever for that matter.
No gift for the Sabres? Even Dallas got a Chia Pet!
Buffalo? I had a feeling I missed a team.

How about Brett Hull's head on lance?

I'd rather have some blue fairy dust that allows us to skate with Ottawa for just 20 mintues.

Either that or some of those Carolina sweaters... that has to be the reason they play the Sens so well.

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