Saturday, August 28, 2004


Team Canada B: What could be.

In just a few days, 7 powerful hockey countries will compete for glory at the World Cup of Hockey.

Unfortunately, there are 8 countries in the tournament, which means that there is a black sheep among the flock.

Canada, the USA, Russia, Finland, Slovakia, Czechia, and Sweden are all very powerful hockey nations with many past glorious victories.

So what the hell are the Germans doing in this tournament?

The Germans are such a weak team that they need to import 2 Czech players; Tomas Martinec, and the crappy brother of Robert Reichel (Martin Reichel), in addition to a goalie from South Africa (Olaf Kolzig).

The Germans have no chance of winning this tournament, so why not bring a more powerful team as the 8th squad?

But where will we find such a team? Latvia? France? Cambodia? No.

Then where?

Canada, of course!

Canada has enough great players to make 3 or 4 great teams that would beat the stuffing out of the German turkeys. If I were in charge of the World Cup, we would have 2 Team Canada�s, allowing for even stronger competition.

Team Canada B

Head Coach: Joel Quenneville, Colorado
Assistants: Mike Babcock, Anaheim & Andy Murray, Los Angeles

Joel �Coach Q� Quenneville was to be the head coach for Canada at the World Championships in Prague, but was forced to fly home due to �exhaustion�. He shouldn�t have been spending so much time with those renowned beautiful Czech women we Canadians hear so much about J. There will be no such distractions back here in Canada, so Coach Q could lead Team Canada B to victory!
Assistants Babcock (Who took over for Quenneville in Prague) and Andy Murray have both been very successful running Team Canada at International events in the past.


J-S Giguere, Anaheim Mighty Ducks (55 Games 17W-31L-6T 91.4 SV%)
Marty Turco, Dallas Stars (73 Games 37W-21L-13T 91.3 SV%)
Andrew Raycroft, Boston Bruins (57 Games 29W-18L-9T 92.6 SV%)

After carrying the Mighty Ducks to the Stanley Cup Finals in 2003, J-S Giguere got greedy, and signed a very large contract. He proceeded to spend his newfound money at every all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant in Anaheim, causing him to gain 50 pounds and turn into the Canadian version of Martin Vojtek. Giguere redeemed himself with a good backup performance at the 2004 World Championships, and he would be good enough to carry Canada�s B Team.

Veteran Marty Turco and rookie sensation Andrew Raycroft can have a boxing match to determine who gets to backup Giguere and have the best seat on the bench and which one has to sit with the commoners in the stands.


Adrian Aucoin, New York Islanders � Brad Stuart, San Jose Sharks
Bryan McCabe, Toronto Maple Leafs � Steve Staios, Edmonton Oilers
Brendan Witt, Washington Capitals � Darryl Sydor, Tampa Bay Lightning
Spare: Derek Morris, Phoenix Coyotes

(Stats shown as Games Play Goals-Assists-Points, +/-)

Aucoin (81 13-31-44, +29) was one of the more dependable defensemen in the NHL this season, finished 3rd in total ice time per game, in addition to his awesome +29 rating and 44 points.

Stuart (77 9-30-39, +9) hasn�t grown to be the �Next Chris Pronger� and superstar that he was expected to be when he was drafted 3rd overall by the toothless Sharks in 1998. Still, Stuart finally took a leap in his progress last year and finished with a career high 39 points.

McCabe (75 16-37-53 +22) is the wild child of the group, coming off of a career best 53 points this past season. Thankfully, he got rid of his putrid Mohawk haircut, so we�ll be nice enough to let him onto our team for now.

Staios (82 6-22-28, +17) has turned from a frog into a prince. Once the worst defensive checking forward in the NHL (With Atlanta), Staios has turned into one of the more dependable defensive defensemen in the NHL during his tenure with Edmonton. Staios was great for Canada at the 2004 World Championships, and he could handle most physical forwards well.

Brendan Witt (72 2-10-12, -22), the massive hard-rocking defender from Washington would pair well with the offensive-minded and Adam Sandler look-a-like Darryl Sydor (80 3-19-22 -16). Derek Morris (83 6-26-32, -1) could fill in as a Power Play specialist if needed.

As a unit, this group has everything: Hard shooters, Big hitters, dependable defenders, and offensive rushers. None of these guys are true #1 NHL defensemen, but they are stronger than some of the defenders on weaker teams (Hello, Mr. Ivan Majesky!)


Rick Nash, Columbus � Brendan Morrison, Vancouver � Glen Murray, Boston
Paul Kariya, Anaheim � Daniel Briere, Buffalo � Mark Recchi, Philadelphia
Matt Cooke, Vancouver � Keith Primeau, Philadelphia, - Rob Niedermayer, Anaheim
Alex Tanguay, Colorado � John Madden, New Jersey � Shawn Horcoff, Edmonton
Spares: Steve Sullivan, Chicago � Wes Walz, Minnesota
�and just maybe, Todd Bertuzzi, Vancouver.

The primary unit would see Nash (80 41-16-57, -35), the budding young Power Forward from Columbus would combine well with another Power Forward in Glen Murray, (81 32-28-60 +17) and playmaking sensation Brendan Morrison (82 22-38-60 +16).

The second offensive unit would see a couple of old legends in Paul Kariya (51 11-25-36, -5) and Mark Recchi (82 26-49-75, +18) team up with midget center Daniel Briere (82 28-37-65, -7). If Briere doesn�t get squashed like an insect, he could duplicate his productive performance from the 2004 World Championships (9 2-6-8, +2).

The checking unit would consist of the pesky Matt Cooke (53 11-12-23, +5), and be centered by Keith Primeau (54 7-15-22, +11), who was one of the most valuable players in this year�s NHL playoffs. They would be joined by Anaheim�s Rob Niedermayer (55 12-16-28, -6), who is more known for dating supermodel Nikki Taylor than for his hockey talents (or lack thereof).

Rounding out the team would be defensive specialists John Madden (80 12-23-35 +7) and Wes Walz (57 12-13-25 +5), worker bee Shawn Horcoff (80 15-25-40 +0), and offensive ballerinas Alex Tanguay (69 25-54-79 +30) and Steve Sullivan (80 24-49-73 +1).

Todd Bertuzzi??? (69 17-43-60, +21) � Every good team needs an enforcer, and if Todd Bertuzzi isn�t in prison, he would be perfect for the role.

Imagine the fear in Jaromir Jagr�s eyes when he sees Bertuzzi step out onto the ice. Poor Petr Sykora would pee in his panties and have nightmares of Bertuzzi ripping out his spinal cord and using it at a Christmas decoration. It also helps that Bertuzzi can score a few goals when needed and park his big ass in front of the opposing goaltenders on the Power Play.
So, there you have it. Team Canada B would be a very strong team and would have a very good chance of pushing aside teams like the weak Russians, the boring Swedes, and the anonymous Finns.

Ahem... that should be Steve Sullivan, Nashville. Also I think you should strongly consider Scott Walker on your B team. Charlie
Wow. You're really getting cocky about these games.

Taking nothing away from Team Canada, I know how much national pride is with them. But, with your own words "7 powerful hockey countries will compete for glory".

It's not a shoe-in for the Canadians. We'll see if Luongo and Theodore can hold on as backups.
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